Dear God

Dear God,

It seems like just yesterday that I learnt you were ready for my baby in heaven.  It seems like just yesterday I prayed for your strength.  It seems like just yesterday that I left that cold hospital room without my daughter.  I pray that she is safe in your hands, and watches over us with joy.

God, it seems like an eternity ago that I held my sweet daughter.  It seems like just yesterday that I touched her soft skin.  It seems like just yesterday that I kissed her rosy cheek.  I look to you in prayer to continue to heal my broken heart.

God do you have birthday parties in heaven?  Today is Mackenzie's first birthday.  I gave birth to an angel on this day one year ago, but I know she was yours long before.  Is Mackenzie playing with the other little ones who's mommies grieve their short lives?  Is she playing ring around a rosy with Kyle, Dustin, Brennan, Harris, Jacob, Thomas, and Jaren?  Will her great grandpas George and Bernard be there to bounce her on their knees?  Will her name sakes, Great Great Grandma Mary & Great Grandma Mary be there to bake her the most wonderful cake?  Will cousin, Jim, be there to tickle her with delight?  Will great auntie Shirley be there to tie ribbons in her hair? 

God, do you have balloons in heaven?  Big sister Anna would want Mackenzie to have balloons for her birthday.  Who will sing her happy birthday?  Who will kiss her when she bumps her head cause she's so excited to open her presents?  Will there be someone there to throw her up in the air, catching her as she squeals? 

Did Mackenzie catch the balloons we sent up to her?  Did she hear us sing "Happy Birthday"? 

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God, for the last year I have questioned why my daughter was taken to heaven so soon.  I have searched and searched for an answer.  I have cried at the thought of my body not being enough for her.  God, today I give all that worry and unrest to you.  I know you will take care of these questions for me.  I realise there is nothing I could have done differently.

I trust in your knowledge and plan for my life, and my family.  I know you will be the everything Mackenzie needs in heaven, and the everything we need here on earth.

On this day I give it all to you...

Amen

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Yesterday we remembered Mackenzie Mary and celebrated the people who have helped us through.

The day started with church at Trinity.  I had asked our new pastor, Rick, to do a little something in her memory.  He did a wonderful job.  He had a candle at the front of the alter that he had our little family light for Mackenzie.  Jeff had a very hard time during the lighting and the sermon.  Our congregation was celebrating Resurrection Sunday, which was really quite fitting.  Pastor Rick included Mackenzie's obituary in his sermon and spoke of her and our family.  We sat in our pew, a few sobs escaping out lungs.  Anna was intertwined on our knees in a little ball, as she comforted both Jeff and I.  She was sitting on Jeff's knee but I had my arms around her, locking around her and Jeff's arms.  It felt good to have that moment together.  Tears spilt down my cheeks like lava from a volcano.  Silently rolling in waves. 

After the sermon we sang "Jesus Loves Me".  There were more tears.  Not just tears of sadness but tears of acknowledgement that God is control and he does love us no matter what.  Once church was over we got the balloons out that we were going to let go of for Mackenzie and her little friends in heaven.  Well, the helium didn't survive the night very well!!!  Guess we will blow them up the day of next time!  We all walked out to Mackenzie's beautiful little spot, as a family we laid the beautiful flower bouquet our florist made.  We let the kids play and giggle.  It was so peaceful.

 

We joined at our home by family and friends for a wonderful BBQ.  The wind was quite cool but we braved it to sit on the deck for as long as we could, then we retreated to the house for cake and ice cream.  It was a beautiful, wonderful day.  We were surrounded by people who have helped us this past year, and I know they will continue to be here for us.   Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Today is Mackenzie's birthday, we're having a quite day at home.  Just what it needs to be.