Mother's Day

Well, Mother's Day is upon us once again.  I've been thinking about this day for a while now.  Really since our last event, my birthday.  I am not to sure what to expect, so I am going to try and take the day as it goes.  I am pretty sure that my day will involve a trip to our church cemetery, there is also another one on my mind that I may have to pop into, or maybe Monday after work.

Last year I was 37 weeks 2 days pregnant and envisioning in my mind holding my two babies on my lap on Mother's Day.  We went to the golf course for brunch, which I didn't want to do, but went anyway.  While there, we saw a lot of people we hadn't seen in a while, and of course everyone was excited to hear that our baby would be arriving soon.  When we got home I hauled the shop vac outside and cleaned out my Jeep, and installed the infant seat base.  By the time I was done, I could barely walk!  I look back at Mother's Day last year, and I know I didn't enjoy it.  This year I am going to do what I want to do.  It's Mother's Day! 

Maybe Anna and I will make up some of our planters on the deck.  If I can get my bike tire fixed, I'm also hoping to take her for a ride in our new to us bike trailer.  Or maybe we'll go to lunch and swimming.

I feel odd about Mother's Day, like half my heart is bound in thorns that keep piercing me with pain.  I don't really know how to explain this to you... as a mother we want to celebrate the day with those who made us "mommy", our children.  I know that Mackenzie is with me in my heart... and she's watching over us from heaven...  I just haven't figured out how to be a mommy to a babe in heaven.

People are critical towards me for talking about her and remembering her.  This is the only way I currently know how to express my love for her.  I am gloriously happy that she is my daughter, and I will continue to celebrate that fact.  I celebrate Anna everyday.  I snuggle, play, read, tickle, hug, kiss and tell her "I love you".  The last of which is most important to me, cause I know she hears me, as she responds, "I love you too Mommy".  I love Mackenzie the same way I love Anna, only that there is no one here to say, "I love you too Mommy".  The most precious gift I've ever received from my beautiful Anna are the words "I love you".  I don't need a gift, or a card, those words are enough.  It hurts to know I will never hear them from my beautiful little girl.  I guess in my mind I do understand that she must love me.  It's those words that I will miss every day.

I am also thinking of some very special moms this weekend.  Friends and family who also have babes in heaven.  I know, this may not be an easy day for them either.  I wish I could hug you all in person.  You are always in my thoughts, and I pray that we all feel that special love shining from above.

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Happy Mother's Day to my mom!!!  I love you!!  Thank you for being my constant support through this year.  As a 29 year old woman,with children of my own, I never would have dreamt that I would need my mommy as much as I needed you this year.  Thank you!  I am forever greatful, that God provided me with the mommy I needed, not only as a child, but as an adult.  I feel blessed and pray that my children and I have a wonderful relationship like our when they grow up.