Heart Ache and Rainbows

Our hearts are aching.  The mommas of April 2009 have broken hearts.  We've suffered the loss of another preciously loved baby.  His name is Jacob Christian.  He was born on Friday morning.  He's a little prince, wrapped in arms of love.  For women who've never met, except for a few, we really are tight, we come together to support each other during the worst times.  This was one of those times...

Jacob's mommy has always been a friend that I was intrigued by.  Someone I wanted to get to know a lot better.  Neither of us knew some 3 years and 6 months ago, when we first met that we get to know each other in the most heart breaking way two women can.  We've both released our most precious angels to heaven.  It was not our choice, and that didn't make it any easier.  You don't get to say, "No, I don't want my baby to go now."  It's just the way God plans it.  But actually letting that precious little life be given over to the trust of our Lord is a difficult burden that I can't not describe.  There are not words intense enough to write or speak that would come close to the pain a mommy and daddy feel in these tumultuously beautiful moments in life.  Beautiful?  Yes, in some ways, yes...

These are the moments you see your husband in a mirror that is so perfect it is almost jaded.  As a loving parent you have no control over your emotions when you surrender a child to God.  Seeing the emotions in your spouses face, eyes, and soul... is gut wrenching, but beautiful.

Life is tainted now... to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child, don't think you have to go back to normal.  This is a new normal.  The pain will fade a little, I know I had a hard time believing that too.  But it does hurt a tiny bit less. Yes, some day in the far off future your life will find a new routine of sorts.  A routine that revolves around the "what if"S and memories of a dainty little girl or handsome little boy that will never see the blue of the sky, the green of the grass, and the sparkle of a new fallen snow.  The beautiful eyes of these angels will never see the rainbows...

I was honoured to be able to share some of these moments with such a beautiful, loving mommy.  She called me the night before her son was born.  I listened, we cried.  I let her know that everything she was feeling is OK.  That no one can tell her what she is doing is wrong.  When it was time to go I told her, "Breathe, that's all you can do... breathe.  I love you."

My heart hurt all weekend, until I was updated.  I had wished when we all first found out that baby Jacob was going to heaven that Mackenzie would be there.  I was sad that I didn't see her shining brilliantly in the sky on Friday, it was overcast.  However, on the way to work Anna told me twice, "Look mommy!  My rainbow!  It's back!  It's here!"  I scanned the sky and the skyline, sometimes Anna thinks the brilliant colors of a sunrise our rainbows... I found no rainbow and no colors from the sun, that was hidden amongst the clouds.  Both times I asked Anna, "Where Anna?"  and both times she pointed through the front window of the Jeep, exclaiming, "Right there mommy!!  My rainbow is right there!  See it?!" 

I never saw those rainbows on Friday.  I only put two and two together last night, that Anna had to have seen something only the innocent eyes of a child could see.  Mackenzie was with us, and I know she was with Jacob... welcoming him home.

Tiny, precious rainbows that were with Dannie

 on vacation in BC.  February 22, 2012

A gorgeous bold rainbow paying Heather T. a visit.

Abbotsford, BC  February 22, 2012