Whispers to Heaven - My new Wednesday Submission

Often you see on blogs that Wednesday is for "Wordless Wednesday".  Those of you who know me in "real life", know that wordless is a joke when it comes to me.  So I have come up with something new.  Whispers to Heaven.  I really find myself wanting to talk to Mackenzie these days.  I have so many questions for her, so much to tell her, to share, to teach...  so here it goes.

Dear Mackenzie,

It is very hot this week!  I am not complaining, cause I've been in worse places in life.  I find myself thinking a lot right now about how I told people you went to heaven and their reactions.  I think Mommy is remembering this so much right now because I so wish and pray that I will get to give people happy news again someday.  I want to hear people's reaction to exciting news.  Not that you aren't exciting my girl.  Just we really wish we would have gotten to know you here on earth before you got to enjoy eternal glory with your Father.

Anyway, there mommy goes getting side tracked again...  I was remembering today, after I talked to my friend Brenda on the phone, a phone call I had with her the evening of May 21, 2011 - the day you were born.  I remember her answering the phone in her cheerful way...  I think I heard a little extra excitement that night.  Brenda was on my call list if I went into labor and needed help, she's a real good friend like that.  I wish you could meet her, or maybe you have?  Brenda was shocked when I told her that yes you had been born, however you didn't come home to be with our family.  "Oh Tyann..."  I will never forget the pain and heart ache I heard in her voice.  The shock...  it steal makes me feel a little sick.

I was telling you how hot it was here this week... well relieving that memory, sent a chill up my spine and goosebumps covered my arms...  quite the way to cool off on a 30 degree day...

Mommy didn't make many of those calls... my bestie Lesley, knew from the previous evening that I was feeling off about things, so we texted...  And our special Kimmie... well she knew I had a doctors appointment that day and had been texting me all day trying to find out what was going on.  It took me a long time to respond back to her.  Hours in fact.  Mackenzie, mommy didn`t know how to tell Kimmie that the baby I was going to have to make so many memories together with the baby she was going to have was gone.  Kimmie and mommy wanted to have our babies close together, seeing that they`d be cousins and all...  Now mommy watches Ally grow.  She is so beautiful Kenzie!!  Such a sweet baby girl.  So quiet and happy.  She has this sparkle in her eye that shines so bright.  I like to believe it`s a twinkle for you.

Kimmie and I have talked many times about that fateful May long weekend.  We`ve cried.  I`ve felt her pain, as she`s told me about her reaction...  I think it hurt me so much more to have to tell my close friends because I knew they were going to hurt for me.  I knew they were going to grieve you almost as much as mommy is.

Mackenzie, I don`t cry for you everyday anymore... well not with these big tears I have rolling down my cheeks, everyday...  but baby, I do in my heart.  Every day mommy`s heart cries for you.  Every day I feel like I`m missing a piece of my soul.  Every day I wonder why Anna seems to know so much more about you then I do.  She seems so so close to you.  She told me tonight that you are with her.  I asked her if you played with her and she told me ``Mackenzie doesn`t hold toys... she sits in my piggie chair.``  I asked her if you like to watch her, and she told me yes.  I asked if you are her angel, and she said yes, that you had told her that. 

That Mackenzie for being Anna`s angel.  Thank you for protecting her and watching over her, for being apart of her.  Mommy wonders if there is a way you can do the same for me?  I know in my heart that you must be with me.  Is there a sign though?  I would love to see you the way Anna does.  Maybe I'm to "old" for that though?  Maybe mommy's just being selfish?

Ok, Mommy will let you get back to what ever it is you love to do up there in heaven.  One more question...  did you like the rose I left you last night?  That's your rose from the rose bush our Lesley gave us.

Good night baby girl, Mommy loves you!

XOXO

Questions for an Angel

Dear Mackenzie,

Mommy really is tired tonight and I should be going to sleep... but I have some questions for you. 

We just went on our 2nd Annual Family Vacation.  We do this as out get a way.  Last year we went because we didn't want to spend the long weekend in town talking to people and feeling that awkwardness...  I just couldn't handle being around that many people who knew, but weren't going to say anything...

Kenzie, were you with us??  I was watching for you in the skies all weekend.  I though for sure I'd see your rainbow since it rained off and on all day on Saturday.  I feel like you're so far away some days.  Like a life time has passed since I last held you.  Some days I feel like my heart is all ached out and I can't hurt anymore...  Some days I feel like I'm "all good" with everything that has happened.

Then there are days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I went to that 38 week appointment.  I was just at the clinic last week.  It always makes me feel so awkward.  I often wish that our clinic hadn't been moved to the new building, cause i could have left that memory in the old clinic.  I don't want to lay on that table in Dr P's exam room ever again while he listens for a heart beat...  Mackenzie, I think that alone makes me want to switch which Dr I see at the clinic in case of any future pregnancies.

The days that I feel like it was just yesterday that I held you, I can't help but see you face every time i close my eyes.  I can't help to wonder what your little dress looks like today...  are you wearing that dress in heaven???  That was the only dress you'll ever have worn.

Mackenzie, sometimes I feel like a bad mommy to your big sister.  I know I spoil her way to much and don't discipline her near enough.  I can't stand to see her cry.  I can't stand to hurt her feelings.  Her tears remind me of my tears and the hurt.  Those tears remind me of how vulnerable I felt some 13 months ago.  And how I still feel far to often. 

Mackenzie, has God let you in on any of the plan He has for our family??  Do you know if He is going to bless us with a little brother or sister for you and Anna?  Has He told you we won't have to wait much longer??  Has He told you we've still got time to put in??

Mackenzie, who do you know in heaven???  Who do you spend your days with?  Does great grandma Mary Lukan make you cinnamon twists and her special cookies with the sprinkles?  Does she have tea parties with you - she made the best tea.  Do you know Jacob and Thomas???  I know their mommies on the internet, so have you met them??  What about Brennan?  Kyle??  and Dustin?  and the many others lost to soon...  Have you had any of Grandma Mary Stefanic's awesome Ukrainian cooking??  How old are you in heaven??  maybe you don't age there and are still that tiny little beauty?

Mackenzie, mommy has so many questions.  I can't lie, most of them run through my head daily.  Can you answer any of them???  Can you tell me the answers... send a whisper on a breeze?

Mackenzie, mommy loves you today, tomorrow as much as the yesterday that I found out you existed in my womb.  I pray to have the knowledge to be a good mommy to an angel.  I hope I'm doing an OK job. 

Love for ever and ever,
Mommy

Wordless Wednesday - A Little Rainbow

The Rainbow visits we've had this week:

Monday

 Look at how bright this rainbow got as I talked to my cousin Karen on the phone!

Tuesday
Anna and I chased this rainbow home from Camrose.  She wanted to catch it.

Winnepeg's rainbow this afternoon care of Lisa!



Friday Night Leftovers

Ok, I think there has been a lot going on that I haven't told you about... just general life stuff.

1.  I GOT TO MY GOAL WEIGHT!!!  I'm so excited I'm going to shout that out again.  I GOT TO MY GOAL WEIGHT!!!  Did you hear me?!  I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  I don't think I've been at a healthy weight since...  hmm... grade 4?!  You should see my grad picture!  I'll get my mom to send me one so I can post it.  (that would be your cue mom.)

I hit this goal last week.  Now I need to maintain it for 6 weeks.  My goal is to push myself for another 5 lbs.  This would be I would probably weigh what I did grade 7.  I can go to the store and buy a medium.  My pants are single digits.  The thing is, I still view myself as almost 200lbs (my heaviest).  I wasn't even that heavy 9 mths pregnant with Anna!!!  In the last 11 years since high school I have lost about 55lbs.  (yah, so the simple math and you'll know what i weigh).  I go in a store buy a size 8, but I still see a size 18 in the mirror.  Now I've got some head work to do.

How did I do it?  EXERCISE!!!!  and healthy eating and EXERCISE!!!  I can jog/run a 5K and now I'm thinking 10K should be my next goal.  I haven't ever done a "run", you know a times event thing.  I am going to do my first in July. 

2.  A very integral person in my life passed away last Saturday, my boss.  He was a very kind individual.  I first go to know him when I worked at a local hardware store.  He was one of my customers.   He must have seen something positive in me, cause I was asked to apply for my current job, that was 5.5 yrs ago.  He was a man who never got mad and yelled at someone at work.  He was always calm and collected.  He always had time for a good chat, I really miss that.  When I went back to work last summer, after loosing Mackenzie, he came in to check on me all the time.  We spent many hours talking about life and death, grieft and loss.  He was always interested in my life.  I also know that he was an amazing father and grandfather.  He was so proud of his grandkids, they seemed to be his world.  I will miss you.

3.  I got this really beautiful quilt from my best "never-actually-met-her-in-real-life" friend, Ruby.  We also received a book of rainbows created by my "moms" and their children.  One wonderful woman, even made me a rainbow shawl.  These gifts are all beautiful.

Snuggles with out Mackenzie bear and rainbow quilt.

4.  Anna has been talking a lot about Mackenzie lately.  I really love that she does, and sometimes it makes me wonder...  for example about a year ago, Anna and I were playing outside when she told me that Mackenzie was sleeping in her bed.  Ok, I figured she was talking about the bear, so I enquired, "No, Mackenzie is sleeping in my bed."

This week she told her day home provider that "Mackenzie's in the house today..."  and she told her this while using the potty!  So the lady asked where?  She's here in the house... was Anna's reply.  She talked about Mackenzie a lot that day.  I asked her a couple times if she was referring to her bear.  She would simply repeat her statement saying just "Mackenzie".  Normally if she is talking about the bear she says, "Kenzie bear".  I think this is kinda neat.   I hope the girls do have some type of heaven and earth connection.  I have been encouraging Anna to sing nicely at bedtime so Mackenzie can hear her.  Then she stops singing in her funny cartoon voice.

Well I'm sure I could find more leftovers, but well wish you a happy weekend instead! 

Wordless Wednesday

"For I know the plans I have for you,"

declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,

and I will listen to you. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me

with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

A Beautiful Beginning...

I'm not really sure where I'm headed today, but I know it's towards a more peaceful place.  I've been saying all week, how I feel at peace right now.  I can't explain it anymore then that.  I feel like I'm starting a new year, like it's January 1st.  So if this is the beginning of a new year for me and my family then we've had a beautiful beginning.

Today marked the year mark of Mackenzie's funeral.  The day that her daddy, with the aid of her grandfathers, carried her to her final resting place.  I feel like a totally different person then I was a year ago.  Maybe cause I spend most of the last year in "automatic".  I was still in shock when we left the cemetery, knowing that our fathers were staying behind to cover up that beautiful white casket.

The thing is, to be totally honest with you, I never realised today was the 25th of May, that day, until after work when Anna and I were at the park.  I feel funny about that.  I feel that it should have been my first thought when i awoke this morning.  My actual first thought was, "We're so going to be late."  I also feel that not thinking that first thing this morning is a sign.  A sign that a beautiful beginning has indeed begun. 

I am happy.  I can be happy and still have Mackenzie in my heart.  She doesn't need to be a sad spot in my heart.  Yes, that spot aches, but it doesn't have to bleed every day.  I had a great day with Anna.  I hauled my new to me bike trailer and my bike to town this morning and after work we went for a bike ride.  Anna loved it, and so did I.  The pavement in town is way easier to pull the trailer on then gravel.  I am currently seated on my glider on my front deck.  I am looking out over our little duck pond.  I can hear the frogs chirp, the birds sing and in the distance the cars pass by on the highway.  I can smell the beautiful spring air.  I can feel the coolness of a soft breeze.  I can feel my heart smile as I take on this beautiful beginning and learn to be happy and live again.  Being the parent of an angel is very hard, definitely no user manual.

I am still going to tell you I have had to beautiful daughters, if you ask.  I am still going to have that tiny (sometimes huge), constant ache in my heart, but I will face each day with a little more hope.  Hope that God gives us the opportunity to expand our family and continue to grow in our love for Him and each other.

This is Anna's first attemp at drawing people. She actual made this on Mackenzie's birthday.

I asked her who they were and she told me, "scary!"  I'm unsure what that means!!  I think she did an awesome job!

Have a great weekend!  

Dear God

Dear God,

It seems like just yesterday that I learnt you were ready for my baby in heaven.  It seems like just yesterday I prayed for your strength.  It seems like just yesterday that I left that cold hospital room without my daughter.  I pray that she is safe in your hands, and watches over us with joy.

God, it seems like an eternity ago that I held my sweet daughter.  It seems like just yesterday that I touched her soft skin.  It seems like just yesterday that I kissed her rosy cheek.  I look to you in prayer to continue to heal my broken heart.

God do you have birthday parties in heaven?  Today is Mackenzie's first birthday.  I gave birth to an angel on this day one year ago, but I know she was yours long before.  Is Mackenzie playing with the other little ones who's mommies grieve their short lives?  Is she playing ring around a rosy with Kyle, Dustin, Brennan, Harris, Jacob, Thomas, and Jaren?  Will her great grandpas George and Bernard be there to bounce her on their knees?  Will her name sakes, Great Great Grandma Mary & Great Grandma Mary be there to bake her the most wonderful cake?  Will cousin, Jim, be there to tickle her with delight?  Will great auntie Shirley be there to tie ribbons in her hair? 

God, do you have balloons in heaven?  Big sister Anna would want Mackenzie to have balloons for her birthday.  Who will sing her happy birthday?  Who will kiss her when she bumps her head cause she's so excited to open her presents?  Will there be someone there to throw her up in the air, catching her as she squeals? 

Did Mackenzie catch the balloons we sent up to her?  Did she hear us sing "Happy Birthday"? 

*   *   *

God, for the last year I have questioned why my daughter was taken to heaven so soon.  I have searched and searched for an answer.  I have cried at the thought of my body not being enough for her.  God, today I give all that worry and unrest to you.  I know you will take care of these questions for me.  I realise there is nothing I could have done differently.

I trust in your knowledge and plan for my life, and my family.  I know you will be the everything Mackenzie needs in heaven, and the everything we need here on earth.

On this day I give it all to you...

Amen

*   *   *

Yesterday we remembered Mackenzie Mary and celebrated the people who have helped us through.

The day started with church at Trinity.  I had asked our new pastor, Rick, to do a little something in her memory.  He did a wonderful job.  He had a candle at the front of the alter that he had our little family light for Mackenzie.  Jeff had a very hard time during the lighting and the sermon.  Our congregation was celebrating Resurrection Sunday, which was really quite fitting.  Pastor Rick included Mackenzie's obituary in his sermon and spoke of her and our family.  We sat in our pew, a few sobs escaping out lungs.  Anna was intertwined on our knees in a little ball, as she comforted both Jeff and I.  She was sitting on Jeff's knee but I had my arms around her, locking around her and Jeff's arms.  It felt good to have that moment together.  Tears spilt down my cheeks like lava from a volcano.  Silently rolling in waves. 

After the sermon we sang "Jesus Loves Me".  There were more tears.  Not just tears of sadness but tears of acknowledgement that God is control and he does love us no matter what.  Once church was over we got the balloons out that we were going to let go of for Mackenzie and her little friends in heaven.  Well, the helium didn't survive the night very well!!!  Guess we will blow them up the day of next time!  We all walked out to Mackenzie's beautiful little spot, as a family we laid the beautiful flower bouquet our florist made.  We let the kids play and giggle.  It was so peaceful.

 

We joined at our home by family and friends for a wonderful BBQ.  The wind was quite cool but we braved it to sit on the deck for as long as we could, then we retreated to the house for cake and ice cream.  It was a beautiful, wonderful day.  We were surrounded by people who have helped us this past year, and I know they will continue to be here for us.   Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Today is Mackenzie's birthday, we're having a quite day at home.  Just what it needs to be.